Struggling with it being about me.

I had a day yesterday that I did not feel I was real for anyone I was in contact with.

My mind was definitely residing firmly in the future.  There is an opportunity for me to get my "dream job".  I am meeting with the organization on Thursday hopefully to find out if I am hired.  My mind appears to have put 'NOW' completely on hold.  I am struggling to stay present to the moment, and I am clearly being all about ME.  The cost is that people who wish to relate with me NOW, are not getting me.  I am with holding myself. 

The truth is, there is nothing I can do NOW to change anything about getting this job.  I have said what I will say, and they now need to decide.  As a Christian, I am struggling to "let go and let God".  I want to be in control.  After a lifetime of thinking I am the centre of the universe and in control of everything, I am finding it very humbling.  I believe this is a good place to be.

But back to NOW.  I know the easiest "fix" for finding myself being "about me", is to put activities into place that are "about others".  So if any of you would like to give me something to do that would be about YOU, let me know. 

Wait, it still ends up being about me, cuz I am only asking you to be a distraction for, guess who?  ME

arrrrrrrrrrrggggggggg

Ha ha.

You know what, we can over analyse everything we do in life till we go mad, OR, we can accept what IS.

Right now, I am just thrilled to death about an opportunity that is a dream come true for me.  I am human (last I checked), and when something exciting happens or could happen, it is reasonable that a person could be distracted.  I don't need to apologize for being excited about a chance to do what I have always wanted.

You know how they ask you in high school, "if money was not an issue, or, if you won the lottery, what would you do with your life?".  I would do what this opportunity is. 

So I struggle daily with "is it too good to be true?", "do I deserve it?".  All kinds of fun stuff.  Bottom line for me, I have been authentic/honest in my conversations with the organization and it is now out of my hands.  Should this be what God has in store for me, I cannot imagine being more fulfilled.  If this isn't, then I will continue to be myself and strive to serve God and others as He calls me.

I feel like this is the most disjointed post I have done to date.  Hope you enjoy it never the less.

Love Always,

The Webgodfather

--
Dan Hewton
danhewton@gmail.com

Hard Revelation III

This morning I was having an almost out of body experience as I was observing myself in action. My wife was saying something (I can't even remember what it was) that I felt myself being made wrong. I could feel my levels of agitation rising, but I was in control of it. I allowed myself to bask in the agitation so I could see everything that was going on.

I made an interesting discovery. Within that moment I had a number of intense thoughts. One was "This is NOT FAIR." Anyone remember that one from when you were kids. Well this is alive and well in me at age 39. Justice. "This is not fair that I should be spoken to in this way. She SHOULD....." BINGO. The "should" mentality of living. She should this, she should that. Followed by "WHY SHOULD I..... WHEN SHE....."

This leads into the next point. I discovered that in that situation I was analyzing and assessing (JUDGING) what her reactions were, where they came from, and whether she should be allowed to have them. Then I convicted her of making me wrong without justification. Being the centre of the universe; I don't have to justify myself to anyone. (watchout for incoming lightning bolts).

A friend once told me "light yourself and fire, and people will come from all over to watch you burn".

What I discovered this morning is that I make an assessment as to whether a person should be allowed to say what they say. I assess what I believe to be the root of why they say what they say; in an effort to discredit them. All of this keeps me occupied so I don't have to be responsible for whatever it was that the conflict was about.

I am the human smoke screen. Call me the "Teflon Dan". Stuff just slides off me, cuz it aint my fault.

I believe what is worth noting is that whether the person saying what they are saying is justified or NOT; it doesn't matter. WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLES RESPONSIBILITIES??? They are none of my business. And I hide behind them so I can continue to be irresponsible and blame everyone else BUT myself for my life. I also discovered this morning; I am real good at this.

If you need help coaching on how to build a good smoke screen, I am your man. I have spent a lifetime perfecting this.

So my report to you is this; I observed myself this morning doing what I have always done. I found myself able to control my reaction. It required allot of me to do this. I was fighting with all my strength the overwhelming urge to defend myself (and be right). I forced myself to stand there and just listen. Listen for what is my responsibility.

It was difficult and will require much exercise, but that is my commitment.

Love Always,

The WebGodFather


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Hard Revelation II

Well here goes; the continuation of the darkness the resides within.

When I say that this and the previous post were painful, I am not kidding. The level of honesty with myself that I have required to get to this place; is greater than I have ever needed. That little six year old does not want to give up running the show.

I know that when I wake up everyday, I am predisposed to; react to being told what to do, or what I did not do, or what I should have done. My reaction is to withdraw my love and be resentful. What others will observe is me being very sensitive.

What I see missing in this equation is confidence, responsibility and compassion. But when I confront the reality of these things being missing, I get very agitated. I get agitated because I have grown very accustomed to not having these things. And not having these things have been giving me a payoff. The payoff is that I can hide behind them, not be responsible, and all the problems I have can be someone else's fault. This is what has become "safe" for me my whole life.

This post is hard for me, (not because it is a post) because now the lights are turned on and I am being called to action. My defense system is now sending me messages of my fears. My terrifying fear of rejection, my fear that I am not good enough, and that if I even try to be responsible/confident I will come up short.

It is much easier for me to hide, than it is to be responsible. I hide because I am mistrustful, fearful, scared. This also lets me retain control. These are all the payoffs.

HERE IS THE COST!!!! ALL RELATIONSHIPS!!!! How can I have a deep/authentic relationship with ANYONE when I am so tightly wound up in protectionism?

I have been attracted to and attracted; women that share the same or similar fears. This I now realize helped me (in a bizarre way) stay safe. If the woman I loved was hiding in her corner, and I was hiding in my corner; we have the safety of no risk taking between us. That may work somewhat for a time, but certainly not a long time.

Have you ever heard that love was safe? Have you ever heard that love was WITHOUT risk? As a Christian I learned that Christ came to give life and to give life abundantly. How can I have an abundant life if I am supremely committed to playing it safe. He certainly didn't. (see "Passion of the Christ")

I have heard that all of us are reluctant to share or be transparent about our true selves. I think I have always just heard the words and digested it intellectually. Well this last few days has shown me in a profoundly personal way how this has limited me and ultimately denied me an authentic life.

If you spend your time always worrying about what people think and trying to protect yourself, when will you have time to TRULY connect with others? You won't! There is not enough hours in the day, and even if there were, you would fill it up with protecting yourself.

So here I stand vulnerable, scared: Who am I kidding, I am terrified! But here is my declaration; from this day forth, in my life and my relationships, I am creating the possibility of courage, trust, compassion.

I am in tears right now for two reasons. I am scared, and I am sorry. I am sorry I cared more about my safety than I did about you. Please forgive me. Thank you for believing beyond my act.


The WebGodFather


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Hard Revelation

I now open up to you the darkness that resides within.  If any of you wondered why the pace suddenly slowed up with my posting; it wasn't from lack of want.  My posts are not arbitrary, rather they are real time glimpses into what is happening with me at THAT moment.

If there is no post; it is because there is nothing TO post.

Well today is a biggie for me; I share with you the dragon I have been fighting.  And what I have discovered is that I have been fighting this dragon my WHOLE life.

I believe I shared with you recently how someone had introduced me to the concept of howyou are different ages in varying scenarios.  I was amazed to discover that my literal age was not at all consistent across the board in my life.  In some ways, I am a grey haired old man, in other ways I am an infantile child.  (I am also a bunch of ages in other areas)

I have come to the conclusion that in the area of conflict in relationships; when pushed to my limits, I revert to the maturity level of a six year old.  "I'm taking my ball and going home!!!".  I realized this a couple weeks ago, but I didn't really grasp what the impact was on me, but most importantly OTHERS.  Most especially, my wives and my mother.  What I also didn't realize was what the ball was in the example.  A couple weeks ago, I would have suggested that taking the ball when I left was significant because it symbolized that I was taking the control.  But thanks to a caring individual last night, my life came crashing in with incredible clarity.  The ball is not "control" (although it may be sometimes), it is actually my love.

When growing up; getting into conflict with my Mom I would get very angry.  I would punch walls and throw fits.  Fear of a 6'1 330lb Father kept me from ever even thinking of being physical with my Mom.  But what DID I do?  I took my ball and went home.  I withheld love from my Mother.  I did whatever I could to NOT be there for her when she needed me or could have used my help.  I was completely self absorbed with the perceived offence against me and lashed out by withholding my love.  What this cost me (and my Mother) was a relationship.  Neither one of us could truly be there for the other because of the constant conflict and barrier I put up.

What I have discovered is that; I don't like to be told what to do.  Now this may at first glance sound like no big deal.  After all, who likes to be told what to do?  But what I discovered in my second glance is just how DEEPLY this seemingly innocent thing has impacted me and EVERYONE I have ever had a relationship with.

I don't like to be told what to do, and when I am pushed on this, I take my ball and go home.  And my ball is my love.  3 wives later my infantile response to not liking being told what to do is continuing to sabotage my life.  At this very moment what hangs in the balance is my current marriage. 

If you recall, I did a post "You are what you listen for ", within that post is the beginnings of the most important breakthrough I think I will ever have.  I am what I have been listening for.  So if I have been listening for (from the perspective) "I don't like to be told what to do, and if you do, I am taking my ball and going home!", then obviously from that "listening" I am always going to be finding myself being made wrong ALL THE TIME. 

One of my biggest complaints of my wife is that she makes me wrong never endingly.  She can never see anything other than what I do wrong.  BUT, here's something new.  MAYBE SHE IS RIGHT!!!!  MAYBE I HAVE BEEN WRONG!!!!  Maybe whenever she asked me to do something, my listening made it, she was telling me what to do; so therefore I must rebel against it and take my ball and go home.  If I am really honest, the things that I feel my wife makes me so wrong daily for are really dumb little things.  I would have argued though; that they add up.  But the truth is, maybe she was right all along, and by defying her like some 6 year old, I WAS DENYING HER a real relationship with a grown man.

This is painful for me.  I am only now becoming clear to just how irresponsible I have been topping it off with massive immaturity. 

I am having difficulty with this post, so I am going to leave off here and come back to it.  But I can tell you that this post is a defining moment and defining breakthrough for me.

I shared the different levels of consciousness.  Well I have become aware that I was unaware.  Now I must choose who I will be in this.  It is much easier to just keep doing what I have always done, then to take responsibility and action. 

Blind spots abound in all of us.  If you knew that they were there, they wouldn't be blind spots.  Being willing to be vulnerable is the only way to get to these blind spots.  I am passionate about finding them, because I believe that myself and those around me, are worth finding them for.  But knowing what they are there and being willing to take responsibility and action are two different things.

I look forward to sharing with you, how I take action and responsibility.

Love Always,

The WebGodFather


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