Hard Revelation II
Well here goes; the continuation of the darkness the resides within.
When I say that this and the previous post were painful, I am not kidding. The level of honesty with myself that I have required to get to this place; is greater than I have ever needed. That little six year old does not want to give up running the show.
I know that when I wake up everyday, I am predisposed to; react to being told what to do, or what I did not do, or what I should have done. My reaction is to withdraw my love and be resentful. What others will observe is me being very sensitive.
What I see missing in this equation is confidence, responsibility and compassion. But when I confront the reality of these things being missing, I get very agitated. I get agitated because I have grown very accustomed to not having these things. And not having these things have been giving me a payoff. The payoff is that I can hide behind them, not be responsible, and all the problems I have can be someone else's fault. This is what has become "safe" for me my whole life.
This post is hard for me, (not because it is a post) because now the lights are turned on and I am being called to action. My defense system is now sending me messages of my fears. My terrifying fear of rejection, my fear that I am not good enough, and that if I even try to be responsible/confident I will come up short.
It is much easier for me to hide, than it is to be responsible. I hide because I am mistrustful, fearful, scared. This also lets me retain control. These are all the payoffs.
HERE IS THE COST!!!! ALL RELATIONSHIPS!!!! How can I have a deep/authentic relationship with ANYONE when I am so tightly wound up in protectionism?
I have been attracted to and attracted; women that share the same or similar fears. This I now realize helped me (in a bizarre way) stay safe. If the woman I loved was hiding in her corner, and I was hiding in my corner; we have the safety of no risk taking between us. That may work somewhat for a time, but certainly not a long time.
Have you ever heard that love was safe? Have you ever heard that love was WITHOUT risk? As a Christian I learned that Christ came to give life and to give life abundantly. How can I have an abundant life if I am supremely committed to playing it safe. He certainly didn't. (see "Passion of the Christ")
I have heard that all of us are reluctant to share or be transparent about our true selves. I think I have always just heard the words and digested it intellectually. Well this last few days has shown me in a profoundly personal way how this has limited me and ultimately denied me an authentic life.
If you spend your time always worrying about what people think and trying to protect yourself, when will you have time to TRULY connect with others? You won't! There is not enough hours in the day, and even if there were, you would fill it up with protecting yourself.
So here I stand vulnerable, scared: Who am I kidding, I am terrified! But here is my declaration; from this day forth, in my life and my relationships, I am creating the possibility of courage, trust, compassion.
I am in tears right now for two reasons. I am scared, and I am sorry. I am sorry I cared more about my safety than I did about you. Please forgive me. Thank you for believing beyond my act.
The WebGodFather
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When I say that this and the previous post were painful, I am not kidding. The level of honesty with myself that I have required to get to this place; is greater than I have ever needed. That little six year old does not want to give up running the show.
I know that when I wake up everyday, I am predisposed to; react to being told what to do, or what I did not do, or what I should have done. My reaction is to withdraw my love and be resentful. What others will observe is me being very sensitive.
What I see missing in this equation is confidence, responsibility and compassion. But when I confront the reality of these things being missing, I get very agitated. I get agitated because I have grown very accustomed to not having these things. And not having these things have been giving me a payoff. The payoff is that I can hide behind them, not be responsible, and all the problems I have can be someone else's fault. This is what has become "safe" for me my whole life.
This post is hard for me, (not because it is a post) because now the lights are turned on and I am being called to action. My defense system is now sending me messages of my fears. My terrifying fear of rejection, my fear that I am not good enough, and that if I even try to be responsible/confident I will come up short.
It is much easier for me to hide, than it is to be responsible. I hide because I am mistrustful, fearful, scared. This also lets me retain control. These are all the payoffs.
HERE IS THE COST!!!! ALL RELATIONSHIPS!!!! How can I have a deep/authentic relationship with ANYONE when I am so tightly wound up in protectionism?
I have been attracted to and attracted; women that share the same or similar fears. This I now realize helped me (in a bizarre way) stay safe. If the woman I loved was hiding in her corner, and I was hiding in my corner; we have the safety of no risk taking between us. That may work somewhat for a time, but certainly not a long time.
Have you ever heard that love was safe? Have you ever heard that love was WITHOUT risk? As a Christian I learned that Christ came to give life and to give life abundantly. How can I have an abundant life if I am supremely committed to playing it safe. He certainly didn't. (see "Passion of the Christ")
I have heard that all of us are reluctant to share or be transparent about our true selves. I think I have always just heard the words and digested it intellectually. Well this last few days has shown me in a profoundly personal way how this has limited me and ultimately denied me an authentic life.
If you spend your time always worrying about what people think and trying to protect yourself, when will you have time to TRULY connect with others? You won't! There is not enough hours in the day, and even if there were, you would fill it up with protecting yourself.
So here I stand vulnerable, scared: Who am I kidding, I am terrified! But here is my declaration; from this day forth, in my life and my relationships, I am creating the possibility of courage, trust, compassion.
I am in tears right now for two reasons. I am scared, and I am sorry. I am sorry I cared more about my safety than I did about you. Please forgive me. Thank you for believing beyond my act.
The WebGodFather
Add this site to your RSS client: http://landmarkeducation-rocks.blogspot.com/atom.xml
posted by Daniel Hewton at
10:32 AM
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