Hard Revelation
I now open up to you the darkness that resides within. If any of you wondered why the pace suddenly slowed up with my posting; it wasn't from lack of want. My posts are not arbitrary, rather they are real time glimpses into what is happening with me at THAT moment.
If there is no post; it is because there is nothing TO post.
Well today is a biggie for me; I share with you the dragon I have been fighting. And what I have discovered is that I have been fighting this dragon my WHOLE life.
I believe I shared with you recently how someone had introduced me to the concept of howyou are different ages in varying scenarios. I was amazed to discover that my literal age was not at all consistent across the board in my life. In some ways, I am a grey haired old man, in other ways I am an infantile child. (I am also a bunch of ages in other areas)
I have come to the conclusion that in the area of conflict in relationships; when pushed to my limits, I revert to the maturity level of a six year old. "I'm taking my ball and going home!!!". I realized this a couple weeks ago, but I didn't really grasp what the impact was on me, but most importantly OTHERS. Most especially, my wives and my mother. What I also didn't realize was what the ball was in the example. A couple weeks ago, I would have suggested that taking the ball when I left was significant because it symbolized that I was taking the control. But thanks to a caring individual last night, my life came crashing in with incredible clarity. The ball is not "control" (although it may be sometimes), it is actually my love.
When growing up; getting into conflict with my Mom I would get very angry. I would punch walls and throw fits. Fear of a 6'1 330lb Father kept me from ever even thinking of being physical with my Mom. But what DID I do? I took my ball and went home. I withheld love from my Mother. I did whatever I could to NOT be there for her when she needed me or could have used my help. I was completely self absorbed with the perceived offence against me and lashed out by withholding my love. What this cost me (and my Mother) was a relationship. Neither one of us could truly be there for the other because of the constant conflict and barrier I put up.
What I have discovered is that; I don't like to be told what to do. Now this may at first glance sound like no big deal. After all, who likes to be told what to do? But what I discovered in my second glance is just how DEEPLY this seemingly innocent thing has impacted me and EVERYONE I have ever had a relationship with.
I don't like to be told what to do, and when I am pushed on this, I take my ball and go home. And my ball is my love. 3 wives later my infantile response to not liking being told what to do is continuing to sabotage my life. At this very moment what hangs in the balance is my current marriage.
If you recall, I did a post "You are what you listen for ", within that post is the beginnings of the most important breakthrough I think I will ever have. I am what I have been listening for. So if I have been listening for (from the perspective) "I don't like to be told what to do, and if you do, I am taking my ball and going home!", then obviously from that "listening" I am always going to be finding myself being made wrong ALL THE TIME.
One of my biggest complaints of my wife is that she makes me wrong never endingly. She can never see anything other than what I do wrong. BUT, here's something new. MAYBE SHE IS RIGHT!!!! MAYBE I HAVE BEEN WRONG!!!! Maybe whenever she asked me to do something, my listening made it, she was telling me what to do; so therefore I must rebel against it and take my ball and go home. If I am really honest, the things that I feel my wife makes me so wrong daily for are really dumb little things. I would have argued though; that they add up. But the truth is, maybe she was right all along, and by defying her like some 6 year old, I WAS DENYING HER a real relationship with a grown man.
This is painful for me. I am only now becoming clear to just how irresponsible I have been topping it off with massive immaturity.
I am having difficulty with this post, so I am going to leave off here and come back to it. But I can tell you that this post is a defining moment and defining breakthrough for me.
I shared the different levels of consciousness. Well I have become aware that I was unaware. Now I must choose who I will be in this. It is much easier to just keep doing what I have always done, then to take responsibility and action.
Blind spots abound in all of us. If you knew that they were there, they wouldn't be blind spots. Being willing to be vulnerable is the only way to get to these blind spots. I am passionate about finding them, because I believe that myself and those around me, are worth finding them for. But knowing what they are there and being willing to take responsibility and action are two different things.
I look forward to sharing with you, how I take action and responsibility.
Love Always,
The WebGodFather
Add this site to your RSS client: http://landmarkeducation-rocks.blogspot.com/atom.xml
If there is no post; it is because there is nothing TO post.
Well today is a biggie for me; I share with you the dragon I have been fighting. And what I have discovered is that I have been fighting this dragon my WHOLE life.
I believe I shared with you recently how someone had introduced me to the concept of howyou are different ages in varying scenarios. I was amazed to discover that my literal age was not at all consistent across the board in my life. In some ways, I am a grey haired old man, in other ways I am an infantile child. (I am also a bunch of ages in other areas)
I have come to the conclusion that in the area of conflict in relationships; when pushed to my limits, I revert to the maturity level of a six year old. "I'm taking my ball and going home!!!". I realized this a couple weeks ago, but I didn't really grasp what the impact was on me, but most importantly OTHERS. Most especially, my wives and my mother. What I also didn't realize was what the ball was in the example. A couple weeks ago, I would have suggested that taking the ball when I left was significant because it symbolized that I was taking the control. But thanks to a caring individual last night, my life came crashing in with incredible clarity. The ball is not "control" (although it may be sometimes), it is actually my love.
When growing up; getting into conflict with my Mom I would get very angry. I would punch walls and throw fits. Fear of a 6'1 330lb Father kept me from ever even thinking of being physical with my Mom. But what DID I do? I took my ball and went home. I withheld love from my Mother. I did whatever I could to NOT be there for her when she needed me or could have used my help. I was completely self absorbed with the perceived offence against me and lashed out by withholding my love. What this cost me (and my Mother) was a relationship. Neither one of us could truly be there for the other because of the constant conflict and barrier I put up.
What I have discovered is that; I don't like to be told what to do. Now this may at first glance sound like no big deal. After all, who likes to be told what to do? But what I discovered in my second glance is just how DEEPLY this seemingly innocent thing has impacted me and EVERYONE I have ever had a relationship with.
I don't like to be told what to do, and when I am pushed on this, I take my ball and go home. And my ball is my love. 3 wives later my infantile response to not liking being told what to do is continuing to sabotage my life. At this very moment what hangs in the balance is my current marriage.
If you recall, I did a post "You are what you listen for ", within that post is the beginnings of the most important breakthrough I think I will ever have. I am what I have been listening for. So if I have been listening for (from the perspective) "I don't like to be told what to do, and if you do, I am taking my ball and going home!", then obviously from that "listening" I am always going to be finding myself being made wrong ALL THE TIME.
One of my biggest complaints of my wife is that she makes me wrong never endingly. She can never see anything other than what I do wrong. BUT, here's something new. MAYBE SHE IS RIGHT!!!! MAYBE I HAVE BEEN WRONG!!!! Maybe whenever she asked me to do something, my listening made it, she was telling me what to do; so therefore I must rebel against it and take my ball and go home. If I am really honest, the things that I feel my wife makes me so wrong daily for are really dumb little things. I would have argued though; that they add up. But the truth is, maybe she was right all along, and by defying her like some 6 year old, I WAS DENYING HER a real relationship with a grown man.
This is painful for me. I am only now becoming clear to just how irresponsible I have been topping it off with massive immaturity.
I am having difficulty with this post, so I am going to leave off here and come back to it. But I can tell you that this post is a defining moment and defining breakthrough for me.
I shared the different levels of consciousness. Well I have become aware that I was unaware. Now I must choose who I will be in this. It is much easier to just keep doing what I have always done, then to take responsibility and action.
Blind spots abound in all of us. If you knew that they were there, they wouldn't be blind spots. Being willing to be vulnerable is the only way to get to these blind spots. I am passionate about finding them, because I believe that myself and those around me, are worth finding them for. But knowing what they are there and being willing to take responsibility and action are two different things.
I look forward to sharing with you, how I take action and responsibility.
Love Always,
The WebGodFather
Add this site to your RSS client: http://landmarkeducation-rocks.blogspot.com/atom.xml
posted by Daniel Hewton at
4:07 PM
1 Comments:
That was touching Dan,
I hope you have the fortune and fortitude to find theose blind spots, and take responsibility for them. But never forget to declare your intention to clean it up, or you will only know they are there, and never truly work through them. Be strong, and know you are loved.
Cheers
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Anonymous, at 9:53 PM
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